Autumnal reflections on balance
It’s taken me a few weeks longer than I anticipated to come back to writing here after my summer break. I blame the weather! My intention in my last post at the end of July was to reduce my work over the summer and to also relax a bit with the rest of my life, not only by going on holiday, but by easing the pressure I put on myself in all areas of my life and have a bit of fun. While I would say that this was successful, I think the poor weather over the summer and the glorious September sunshine that followed led me to extend my summer chilled vibes for longer than I anticipated to make the most of it. Sorry about that.
As some of you know, I’m very much into seasonal living, recognising and celebrating the ebb and flow of the year marked by the seasons, and am often led by the weather rather than the date on the calendar for this. Some years, our family celebrates Autumn when meteorological autumn starts on the 1st September, which often aligns with going back to school, and other years we stay in summer until astronomical autumn begins with the autumn equinox on the 23rd September. This year, although I did decorate our mantlepiece last weekend, the weather still feels too warm to get all autumnal, so the apple pie hot chocolate I treated us to from Hotel Chocolat will have to wait a bit longer to be drunk, and the elderberries will have to wait patiently in the freezer until I’m in the mood to make elderberry spiced syrup.
While my son is back at school and rugby, I haven’t yet settled back into the routines and rhythms of “normal life”after the summer break. A prime example of this is my Friday night writing group, which restarted at the beginning of September, but I have been unable to attend due to singing at an open mic night, seeing Ruby Wax’s one woman play with a friend, and tonight hosting a party in the garden for my singing group friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. I’ve got out of the habit of writing, both here on Substack and in my group.
I have been writing over the past two weeks though, as I have now started my part time Masters in Creative Writing at Brunel University. I’m still very much in the finding my feet introductory phase, but can already tell I’m going to love it, and can see how I will be able to fit the required reading and writing into my life each week.
In a conversation with a friend yesterday she said she was in awe of how much I manage to do alongside a busy job and it got me pondering. I realise it sounds somewhat counter-intuitive to say that it takes effort and commitment to add fun and hobbies into our lives, because we want these things to just happen effortlessly. But I’ve found that we do need to make an active choice to decide what we want more of in our lives and then somehow find a way to fit in the things that matter to us. Frequently, on the way to singing on a Tuesday evening, one of us will say that we really didn’t have the energy to leave our house to come out, but that we’re glad we did. Of course, after a chat over a mug of tea and after singing only one or two songs we’re feeling happier and glad we made the effort, and by the end of the night we’re reinvigorated by the warmth and delight that comes from singing with friends.
You may well be wondering what this has to do with Autumn, and with grief. The autumn equinox marks the day in which there is an equal balance of day and night. From last weekend onwards, the days get shorter and we begin the descent into darkness. In the Pagan Wheel of the Year, the festival of Mabon on the autumn equinox is followed by Samhain and Yule, in which the darkness is celebrated. This encourages a more introspective period of the year, where although we may not hibernate, we all feel the urge to slow down a little from the more extroverted and social summer we have just had. No wonder then, that sitting down and watching the comforting Great British Bake Off on a Tuesday evening can seem more tempting than going out to sing. This inclination to retreat was exacerbated for me last year by a real need to recover from a summer in which I had done too much peopling, and a craving for the solitude of this time of year so that I could immerse myself in grief without having to put on a happy face as the anniversary of Bethany’s death approached. I was ready to return to a more reflective space.
In my coaching session with The Wild Academy last week I became aware that the darkness didn’t have quite the same pull for me this year. A small sign, I suppose, of how far I have come in my grief journey. While I don’t require quite so much time to process my grief this autumn, compared to last, the overall theme of balance of equal light and dark is one that I can apply in my life over the coming phase in the Wheel of the Year until Samhain at the end of October. A conscious decision to find a balance between holding on to the fun and delight of summer and gently finding some time for myself when I’m feeling “griefy”. A recognition that however sad I still feel at times, it is still necessary for me to find ways to enjoy myself, and that doesn’t mean I’ve “moved on” or forgotten my daughter, but that it is right to intentionally try and live a balanced life, or at least a balanced autumn.
I hope this inspires you to reflect on balance in your life and contemplate whether there are any intentions that you wish to set for how you wish to live your life this autumn.